Jobless But Not Hopeless

I know it’s been quite some time since I last posted, but it’s been a roller coaster of a month. I just got engaged and turned 25, this is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, unfortunately that is not the case. I’m sure I’ll be able to blog more often now that I am unemployed yet again. That’s right… I just left my third job this year. Trust me, I’m not proud of myself either. If anyone is my harshest critic in life it’s me. I have a large enough family (who for the most part are successful) to help remind me of what a big failure I am, especially for my age. You can say what you wish; that I’m lazy or not motivated, but I don’t expect any of you to understand, because frankly, neither do I.

This post is by no means to make my parents look like bad people. In fact, they’re the best people that I know. They are everything I strive to be – hardworking, caring, and loved by all. However, like most children and their parents, sometimes we just don’t see eye to eye. I always have a hard time expressing myself to them (or to anyone in general) because I’m an emotional mess, so I usually just start crying and completely shut down. From a young age I have always relied on writing, so that’s what I am doing here, just getting things off my chest. This is more of a confession.

Like most little girls, growing up I always had a plan for myself. You see, I was going to be someone amazing. Fast forward twenty plus years, I’m sitting here telling you all that I am unemployed…again. I always had dreams and ambitions for myself, so it’s not easy being broke and out of a job at the age of 25. The last time I left a job a few months ago I ended up in the hospital ready to just give up. I heard that my mom was crying to my grandma about how I still hadn’t found my calling, while cousins who are younger than me were making over $30/hour. No child wants to know that their lack of success is a burden on their parent. I grew up with the thought that I would be so successful I’d send my parents on trips, pay off their house, etc. As an only child, and that too being a girl I would show the world that I was enough. I could be just as special as anyone out there.

Now, before you think I left my job for some pathetic reason such as “she just doesn’t want to work,” I’ll have you know when I get a job I put my everything into it. Since the beginning of 2017 my anxiety and depression has gotten the best of me where I frequently end up curled in a ball on the bathroom floor at work crying about why I can’t manage to hold down a job as of late. My heart tells me I’m going to kick this job’s ass, but my mind tells me that I will forever be a failure. I’ll tell you something I’ve never told anyone before…After high school I didn’t really make a life plan for myself because I didn’t see myself alive for very much longer. Three failed suicide attempts later I am still searching for a way to prove that I am worth the dreams I had for myself when I was a little girl.

My parents don’t get that I’m not doing this on purpose. They actually believe I use my illness as an excuse. You think I like having no money or job status  to my name? I was supposed to write books and sign movie deals. They tell me to stop being childish, that I needed to grow up and make a life for myself. Oh mom and dad… How I am trying to be the person I’ve always wished of being. I don’t have control of the things that come over me. There is nothing more I would want than being independent and living life on my own two feet. I want you to be proud of me, much like the rest of my family. I don’t want people to  be uncomfortable when they ask me what I’m doing with my life. I want them to be impressed. I know I have potential. I’m sure a lot of people believe they won’t just merely exist, but they will be known. So, what makes me different?

I’m a warrior. I know that I was always destined to be someone great. I have had my fair share of struggles and long battles. I survived all of that. I’m not someone who settles for mediocracy or gives up when something doesn’t go the way I planned. I said I was my harshest critic, but I am also my greatest supporter. I’m tired of sitting back while others think I am not capable when I know I can conquer the world. I won’t suppress the big dreams I had for myself. Don’t let others be the judge of what you can or can’t accomplish in the world. If you think you’re meant to be great, then work twice as hard and prove to everyone that you’re somebody nobody thought you could be.

“You can take everything I have. You can break everything I am. Like I’m made of glass…like I’m made of paper. Go on and try to tear me down. I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper. Like a skyscraper.” – Demi Lovato

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