According to the advice of many people in my life including those of multiple therapists I have come to the conclusion that writing plays a very large part in my life. One of my most vivid memories is that of being a little girl sitting on my parents bed with a typewriter in front of me (yes, you got that right, a typewriter) working on what was to be my best seller Christmas novel “The Magic Sled”. I know what you’re all thinking. Creatively genius title! It was going to be a hit. I would soon be signing copies to sell at the local Chapters and there would be a movie deal in the works. I wanted to write children’s books and illustrate them as well. I would one day work with Disney and become a household legend.
The years following I would write short stories for my creative writing class about a young woman with a string of boyfriends and what you could call a hopeless love life. Later in my last year of high school I started an anonymous blog that I had, which I can’t seem to recall. Throughout these years though I had kept countless journals including one leading up to my first suicide attempt full of deeply disturbing thoughts. In fact it was that very journal that my parents found and led them to rushing me to emergency which in turn saved my life after I overdosed.
I gave up writing for the last 5 years after my introduction to creative writing professor failed me in university. It occurred to me that maybe I just wasn’t meant to write for a living; maybe I just wasn’t cut out for it. Perhaps after many years my imagination just wasn’t what it used to be. I can honestly say I have felt very incomplete since I stopped writing though. I didn’t have my outlet of expression and just let it all build up inside of me. I have been mentally and emotionally unstable since I gave up keeping a blog or journal.
After a lot of soul searching and dead ends I have come back to the one thing that shaped me in my early years – my love for writing. That is when I decided to start up this blog. As you can tell I have only posted two pieces before this one and I have not kept to my promise of posting frequently. Now here I am today making a promise to myself to be more public with my writing. I have talked with my current counsellor and she felt it was best for me to continue with the blog and to post as often as I could.
Unfortunately, I am a person that needs constant validation and the fact that I don’t have immediate positive (or negative for that matter) feedback about my posts makes me feel like this blog just isn’t worth it. At the end of the day though I have to come to terms with the fact that it’s not about what this blog means to other people it is about what it means to me. It’s about what writing means to me. I have ideas of posts all the time and mentally write them out in my head, but I never sit down and type it out to share. I have started narrative therapy with my therapist and I have to remember that this is part of it. This is part of my journey for wellness. Maybe one day I can even make a living out of it. That’s the plan.
So here is my promise to not post for the readers, but to post frequently for my wellbeing and myself. Having you all here by my side for my journey is just a bonus.
Welcome to my wondrous world of writing.